DAILY WEEKLY MONTHLY REPORT EXCLUSIVE!
When elected, Senator Barack [censored] Obama will sign an executive order to ban the sale and use of what his campaign calls "rough" toilet paper. Critics claim that Obama is 1) not elected yet, 2) totally full of dung. But the Obama campaign counters by saying that the election is a mere formality, really.
The Rough Toilet Paper Ban of 2008 would eliminate the production, sale, and distribution of bath tissue with a lower than 400-thread count.
"I've been all around the country in the past 20 months, running this campaign. I've used a lot of restrooms," the Future President said Thursday. "This 2-ply tissue just doesn't cut it." As a seasoned and professional journalist, objective and shrewd, with a litany of credentials, awards, and commendations from my peers, ice water running through my veins when interviewing heads of state and ordinary Americans... I just swooned. I'm not supposed to editorialize in these reports, but let's just be honest: Barack Obama is amazing. I think I would marry him if he were a woman. Or maybe if I were a woman. That's change you can believe in.
In attempt to be fair and balanced like the malevolent Fox News, DWMReport asked the John S (for stupid, we imagine) McCain campaign for comment. They did respond, and it made sense, but it is our responsibility to elect Obama. So we'll leave that out.