IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN: Obama's Plan to Ban Certain Types of Toilet Paper


When elected, Senator Barack [censored] Obama will sign an executive order to ban the sale and use of what his campaign calls "rough" toilet paper. Critics claim that Obama is 1) not elected yet, 2) totally full of dung. But the Obama campaign counters by saying that the election is a mere formality, really.

The Rough Toilet Paper Ban of 2008 would eliminate the production, sale, and distribution of bath tissue with a lower than 400-thread count.

"I've been all around the country in the past 20 months, running this campaign. I've used a lot of restrooms," the Future President said Thursday. "This 2-ply tissue just doesn't cut it." As a seasoned and professional journalist, objective and shrewd, with a litany of credentials, awards, and commendations from my peers, ice water running through my veins when interviewing heads of state and ordinary Americans... I just swooned. I'm not supposed to editorialize in these reports, but let's just be honest: Barack Obama is amazing. I think I would marry him if he were a woman. Or maybe if I were a woman. That's change you can believe in.

In attempt to be fair and balanced like the malevolent Fox News, DWMReport asked the John S (for stupid, we imagine) McCain campaign for comment. They did respond, and it made sense, but it is our responsibility to elect Obama. So we'll leave that out.

1 comment:

Kimberly Jean said...

With regards to this monumental election, I find myself leaning more towards Barack Obama than John McCain. Just my personal preference. But I must say, Senator Obama's stance on changing toilet paper is offensive to me. I realize that he has traveled extensively these past several months and has used numerous rolls of tp, but his decision to ban the rougher papers makes no sense. Does he not realize that one needs a bit of "texture" in order to effectively accomplish the task at hand? It would be like dusting with a silken cloth. Things would just get spread around without any progress being made. Nothing would be cleaned...just smeared a bit.

And now, so close to election day, I have had a monkey wrench thrown into the mix. I must sit back and ponder if I really want to vote for sensitive, gentle, soft and tender Obama or a maverick like McCain. Thanks DWMReport.