BREAKING: Bailout Fever!

Churches are currently lining up to get federal 'bailout' money in light of declining tithe income.


::ALERT:: Why Is This News?

A man in Nebraska has been charged with several misdemeanor counts of public indecency. It's Nebraska, though, so there really isn't anything else to do.

Tom Larvie, nicknamed "The Butt Bandit," was allegedly caught in the act of.. well.. read for yourself here. As he was handcuffed and loaded into the back of a patrol car by a derisively-chuckling female officer, he was heard insisting, "The glass was cold! There was shrinkage! There was shrinkage!" before sliding to the floor of the car.

And he's from Valentine, Nebraska. Now there's a Valentine for you.

In unrelated news, this lady.


:BREAKING NEWS: Martha Stewart - Soul Or Hole?

A man in Clive, Iowa has filed suit against Kmart and the Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Company seeking unspecified punitive damages, a new ride, and Martha Stewart's soul (we at DWMReport regret to inform him that the latter is nonexistent, so he should probably just tack on another million to his lawsuit).

Patrick Albanese, who works as a magician/musician/hand model, claims that an incident with a defective lawn chair caused part of his finger to be snipped off, thus affecting his livelihood.

Upon learning of the lawsuit, Martha Stewart was overheard muttering, "What a jackass. Hotshot magician, huh? Why don't you magic the finger back onto your hand and and go play some violin for yourself? Sucker. Where are my Chinese silk jacquard placemats?"

The lawsuit was filed in the Polk County Iowa District Court, which explains everything.

Story here.



As the Federal Bailout of major financial institutions progresses (we're told), sales of tin pails have risen dramatically.

LIFE IMPROVING! ObamaNation sweeps.... nation.

The Promised One has arrived, and his name is Obama.

We at DWMReport just thought we would remind you.


NEWS YOU CAN USE: 'It's My Tongue's Fault'

DWMReport has learned that a too-small tongue can, in fact, be a catalyst for disaster in drunk driving situations. Not only can a too-small tongue in a cavernous mouth result in slurred speech, but it could compel its lurchy owner to volunteer to police that s/he'd just consumed "a bunch of beers."

"My mouth is too big" indeed.

Story here.


UPDATE: Teacher Fired for Working in a Bikini on the Side

A Florida woman was recently fired after it was made public that she worked at a side job in a bikini. A former student just thanks God that Al Gore invented the internet so that this story can be relived over and over and over again.

Story here.


ALARMING NEWS: Election over too early, millions returning to polls.

In an astounding move, major news corporations have declared Barack H. Obama the Future Leader of the Free World. This took place around 11:10 pm Tuesday night.

Millions of Americans, many of whom had called in "sick" or had taken vacation days for Wednesday, Nov. 5th, have returned to voting locations to vote again. "I done called out for Wednesday," Buttstick, Mississippi voter Jimmy Bo Bob Dale Avery said. "Me an' my uncle wuz gunna sit up all night drinking, watchin' the election. Now what?" So, Mr. Avery did the logical thing and went back to his polling place to vote again.

"I just thought that maybe if I voted again, it would keep it on later," Mr. Avery added.

Special Report: So Who IS Barack Obama, Anyway?

In just a few short hours, Master Of Everyone's Domain Barack Obama will become the President of the United States (we all know it).

In an effort to clear up misunderstandings and illuminate the sterling character of this young, relatively unknown senator, DWMReport has compiled a list of little-known facts about the Almost President of the United States. We invite you to share this list with friends and family so we might all happily welcome President Obama with the cupcakes and baby chicks he deserves (and eats).

Barack Obama is patriotic. He was born with his right hand fused over his heart and his first word was "Kennedy." Everything he touches on Mondays using his left index finger turns red, white, blue, or some combination thereof (yes, this has been verified by Snopes).

Barack Obama has incisive judgment. His real middle name is "Demagogue." He changed it legally to "Hussein" in 1992, hoping the new choice would better help him in his quest for the Presidency. Plus he thought it sounded "bouncy."

Barack Obama isn't Muslim.
He's Hindu. And here's the proof: http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=68156

Barack Obama is fair. He voted for John McCain in an effort to "spread the votes around."

Barack Obama literally loves this great nation with all his heart. He experiences immediate ventricular fibrillation upon sight of the American flag. He travels with a portable defibrillator, which burns "GOD BLESS AMERICA" into the skin on his chest with every use.

Barack Obama doesn't respond to stupid innuendo. He has refused to comment on an alleged recording of Michelle Obama ordering "white tea" at Starbucks.

Barack Obama is not afraid of the dark. When Chuck Norris goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Barack Obama (also verified by Snopes).

Barack Obama has an active mind. He discovered fire, the internet, Leanne Rimes, the Milky Way, and he invented America.

Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you.. Is there any doubt that America is ready for a President such as this?

When to Go to Sleep Tonight

Countless Americans will no doubt spend the evening glued to their TV sets, counting the votes that come in and watching the national news make fools of themselves with awkward predictions.

Sleep is precious, however, so how do you know when to call it a night because the election is more or less "over?" Here are some tips.

1. If Obama wins Ohio or Florida with their 20 and 27 electoral college votes, you might as well go to bed. These are two huge contested states that have been the deciding factor in the last two elections. It would be quite hard for McCain to make these up.

2. If Missouri picks its winner, consider the election mostly over. Although worth only 11 votes, Missouri has picked the winner of every presidential election for 100 years, excluding 1956 when it was taken over by rabid dogs (that may or may not be true.)

3. If McCain wins Pennsylvania, then stay up for a while. It's a big state, and the kids over there haven't been thrilled with some remarks by Obama and John Murtha describing it as a "racist state." Can't say I blame them.

4. The later the polls close, the later you have to stay up. It's just a fact. McCain could lose any of the following states and still be in the running, but it will be close: Virginia (13 EC votes), Georgia (15), North Carolina (15), Colorado (nine) or Nevada (five)

5. If it looks like Obama is winning the big players, go to bed. Just don't be surprised if you wake up in the morning and find out we still have no idea. It's happened before.

Barack Obama victory in sight.

Barack Obama victory in sight. Election ruled mere formality by Supreme Court.


BREAKING NEWS: Disgusting Racists McCain and Palin Keep Using 'Code Words'

Recently, John S(tupid) McCain and Sarah ("Way Hotter In Person") Palin have been using old code words for black on the campaign trail. The most recent is "socialist." Everyone knows that this is code language to call Barak The Awesome Obama "black." This is in addition to old racist standards such as "community organizer," "that one," and "skinny." Outrageous. White Racist John McCain should never win another election, because he's a racist. And he's white. And not Barack Obama.

That is all.

Original story here.


93% of Americans Aware of Election Year

A new poll by the associated press has found that 93% of Americans are well aware that this is an election year.

"You know, I thought something was up after I started seeing all these commercials for these guys," one respondent responded. "That usually only happens when there's an election coming up."

Another person in the poll shared his feelings. "I didn't realize just how bad things were. Normally a poor economy and high unemployment rate just kind of gets swept under the rug. Because the potential future leaders of the country were talking about it, I knew it was an election year. When they get elected, they just say everything's fine."

Although the sample poll had an error margin of 3%, pollsters managed to talk to a few pollees who were polled about the election.

"Mmmm! Pickles are good," said one individual, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Another unaware respondent was quite frank about his opinion. "Look, I don't know who gave you my number or what, but I'm so sick of those Viagra commercials. If I cared about an erection year, I'd let you know. 'Click.'"

Stay tuned for more breaking news.


::EARTH-SHATTERING UPDATE:: Hazmat Heaven In Houston!

Republican presidential candidate John McCain and his running mate, Sarah Palin, distributed Hazmat suits while visiting President George Bush's Texas ranch this weekend.

"I'm wearing mine to prom!" exclaimed fifteen-year-old Kelzi Schaumblett.

McCain and Palin gave away the suits during a surprise side-trip to Houston, Texas on Saturday. The suits, bearing the slogan "OBAMA WILL INFECT YOU WITH SMALLPOX AND ISLAM! McCAIN PALIN '08," were distributed to approximately 50 people, along with $100 bills, full-cheeked Caucasian infants, and Lamborghini automobiles.

"We just want to thank you for all your hard work and for all the support you'll show by your votes in the next few days unless you want that Lamborghini to explode," McCain allegedly said with a big smile.

As McCain drew names from a paper bag, Republican vice-presidental nominee Sarah Palin modeled a suit and drew praise from the crowd for her step-step-pivot, step-step-step-pivot, hand-on-hip-pivot pattern.

"Now there's a woman who knows about strategy, I tell you what!" President Bush commented between wolf-whistles and sips of warm beer.

Palin's presence at the rally was a suprise, in light of recent reports that McCain aides are speaking out against what they call her "diva" behavior. Palin politely refused to answer our questions regarding the allegations.

In related news, exclusive video obtained by DWM Report shows Sarah Palin kicking John McCain in the back of the knee, knocking him to the ground, climbing onto his back, and whispering menacingly, "Burger King. Now. Or God bless America, you'll wish you had, soldier."

Technical difficulties and pending libel lawsuits prevent us from sharing this video with the public. We apologize for any inconvenience.


SHOCKING NEWS ALERT!!! Public Ignores Dire Warning


Today, thousands of people, despite hideous warnings about financial crisis for the past 10 months, flocked to local shopping malls and retail chains. Reports say that millions of dollars worth of "stuff" was purchased including flat screen televisions, video games, furniture, and even clothes.

John McCain, who is obviously too old to ever be President of the United States, was overheard saying, "Metamucil... is the metamucil on sale?"

Future President Barack Obama stated, "It's clear that these people here are evil rich people. They more than likely make more than $250,000 per year, and they are not taxed heavily enough. Also, they apparently can't read or hear, as my media's constant barrage of horrid economic news has not had an effect."

Sarah Palin could not be reached for comment, but she was seen trying on various outfits at Target.


EXCLUSIVE! Interview With Sarah Palin Regarding "Buttocks" Comment

Sarah Palin will hold a press conference later this evening to address an incident wherein she allegedly accused Democratic VP nominee Joe Biden of having received "buttocks injections in his face."

Some conflicting reports of the incident surfaced earlier this week after Palin stopped for a lunch break at the BisonBurger Lunch Box and Gun Range during a surprise visit to the town of Koosharem, Utah.

Events following remain unclear, with the only substantiated incident being Palin standing on a table and declaring, "It's great to be in Real America with Real Americans! even if I'm settlin' for bison over moose." Palin then asked restauranteurs to "wrap up a coupla those burgers to go, fer my kids."

Some media outlets claim that Palin subsequently engaged in trash talk involving her rival Biden's appearance, using statements such as "What a dead-face" and "I wouldn't hang that on my wall if ya paid me off!" Other sources assert that fellow restaurant patrons misheard Palin's statements, which referred to Biden's alleged use of the cosmetic aid Botox.

"You know, I'm really not sure what she said," muses Edith Lowtower, co-owner of the BisonBurger. "It's hard to know what she says, what with that accent of hers. Where's she from, Ireland? I thought I read she was from Ireland.

"I did offer her some eyedrops, though, 'cause she kept blinking her left eye. Turns out she was just winking. A lot. I mean, that lady was winking so fast it blew my hair back. I had to put on a sweater."

In an exclusive interview with The Daily Weekly Monthly Report, Palin denied using the word "buttocks" to describe any aspect of Joe Biden's face. She went on to chuckle, "But really, could ya blame me if I did say it? I mean, have ya seen this guy? Ya just gotta wonder, God, what were ya thinkin' there?"

Spokesmodels for the Obama/Biden campaign had no comment.


IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN: Obama's Plan to Ban Certain Types of Toilet Paper


When elected, Senator Barack [censored] Obama will sign an executive order to ban the sale and use of what his campaign calls "rough" toilet paper. Critics claim that Obama is 1) not elected yet, 2) totally full of dung. But the Obama campaign counters by saying that the election is a mere formality, really.

The Rough Toilet Paper Ban of 2008 would eliminate the production, sale, and distribution of bath tissue with a lower than 400-thread count.

"I've been all around the country in the past 20 months, running this campaign. I've used a lot of restrooms," the Future President said Thursday. "This 2-ply tissue just doesn't cut it." As a seasoned and professional journalist, objective and shrewd, with a litany of credentials, awards, and commendations from my peers, ice water running through my veins when interviewing heads of state and ordinary Americans... I just swooned. I'm not supposed to editorialize in these reports, but let's just be honest: Barack Obama is amazing. I think I would marry him if he were a woman. Or maybe if I were a woman. That's change you can believe in.

In attempt to be fair and balanced like the malevolent Fox News, DWMReport asked the John S (for stupid, we imagine) McCain campaign for comment. They did respond, and it made sense, but it is our responsibility to elect Obama. So we'll leave that out.


Marxist Happy About Capitalism


"In 2005 I sold 500 copies, then 800 in 2006 and 1,300 in 2007. In the first nine months of 2008 I am already at 1,500" said Joern Schuetrumpf, head of Karl Dietz Verlag, which specialises in communist literature. Karl Marx's best seller Capital has nearly tripled in three years, reflecting a global turn from free-wheeling capitalism, or Capitalism Run Wild, as it is known in the professional wrestling circuit.

Barack Obama, who has aspirations to one day become America's Dear Leader, has been frequently seen pulling out his copy of Capital during teleprompter malfunctions at campaign events. Senator John McCain, Obama's hopeless rival in the US Presidential race, has tried relentlessly to tie Obama to Marx.

"It may surprise you that Karl Marx used to go to the Stock Exchange together down in William Ayers' basement," McCain said earlier today. A campaign official quickly noted that the Arizona Senator has not yet had his daily Ginkgo Biloba. "The story is only half accurate... given that Marx has been dead for well over 100 years. But Senator Obama should give an account of this association. If it were real."

Original Story here.


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