::EARTH-SHATTERING UPDATE:: Hazmat Heaven In Houston!

Republican presidential candidate John McCain and his running mate, Sarah Palin, distributed Hazmat suits while visiting President George Bush's Texas ranch this weekend.

"I'm wearing mine to prom!" exclaimed fifteen-year-old Kelzi Schaumblett.

McCain and Palin gave away the suits during a surprise side-trip to Houston, Texas on Saturday. The suits, bearing the slogan "OBAMA WILL INFECT YOU WITH SMALLPOX AND ISLAM! McCAIN PALIN '08," were distributed to approximately 50 people, along with $100 bills, full-cheeked Caucasian infants, and Lamborghini automobiles.

"We just want to thank you for all your hard work and for all the support you'll show by your votes in the next few days unless you want that Lamborghini to explode," McCain allegedly said with a big smile.

As McCain drew names from a paper bag, Republican vice-presidental nominee Sarah Palin modeled a suit and drew praise from the crowd for her step-step-pivot, step-step-step-pivot, hand-on-hip-pivot pattern.

"Now there's a woman who knows about strategy, I tell you what!" President Bush commented between wolf-whistles and sips of warm beer.

Palin's presence at the rally was a suprise, in light of recent reports that McCain aides are speaking out against what they call her "diva" behavior. Palin politely refused to answer our questions regarding the allegations.

In related news, exclusive video obtained by DWM Report shows Sarah Palin kicking John McCain in the back of the knee, knocking him to the ground, climbing onto his back, and whispering menacingly, "Burger King. Now. Or God bless America, you'll wish you had, soldier."

Technical difficulties and pending libel lawsuits prevent us from sharing this video with the public. We apologize for any inconvenience.

1 comment:

Kimberly Jean said...

As I continue to struggle with which candidate I will support in this historic election, I find myself being drawn to the McCain-Palin side. As stated earlier, I have questions about Obama's decision regarding changes with America's toilet paper. After reading this report about McCain and Palin two-steppin' it in Houston, I am becoming even more convinced that they are the ones I will choose to run this great nation of ours. How thoughtful of them to provide everyone with a fully functional hazmat suit! And THANK YOU McCain-Palin for sharing with Joe Six-Pack and Soccer Mom America that Obama will infect you with smallpox. Not to mention the fact that he DOESN'T offer gifts such as hazmat suits, "full-cheeked Caucasian infants", and Lamborghinis. That's it! It is McCain-Palin for me! (at least until the next Daily Weekly Monthly Report report.) Come on! You've got to love a maverick who mavericks the old maverick into buying her a Whopper!

(By the way, where did the give-away babies come from?)