93% of Americans Aware of Election Year

A new poll by the associated press has found that 93% of Americans are well aware that this is an election year.

"You know, I thought something was up after I started seeing all these commercials for these guys," one respondent responded. "That usually only happens when there's an election coming up."

Another person in the poll shared his feelings. "I didn't realize just how bad things were. Normally a poor economy and high unemployment rate just kind of gets swept under the rug. Because the potential future leaders of the country were talking about it, I knew it was an election year. When they get elected, they just say everything's fine."

Although the sample poll had an error margin of 3%, pollsters managed to talk to a few pollees who were polled about the election.

"Mmmm! Pickles are good," said one individual, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Another unaware respondent was quite frank about his opinion. "Look, I don't know who gave you my number or what, but I'm so sick of those Viagra commercials. If I cared about an erection year, I'd let you know. 'Click.'"

Stay tuned for more breaking news.


::EARTH-SHATTERING UPDATE:: Hazmat Heaven In Houston!

Republican presidential candidate John McCain and his running mate, Sarah Palin, distributed Hazmat suits while visiting President George Bush's Texas ranch this weekend.

"I'm wearing mine to prom!" exclaimed fifteen-year-old Kelzi Schaumblett.

McCain and Palin gave away the suits during a surprise side-trip to Houston, Texas on Saturday. The suits, bearing the slogan "OBAMA WILL INFECT YOU WITH SMALLPOX AND ISLAM! McCAIN PALIN '08," were distributed to approximately 50 people, along with $100 bills, full-cheeked Caucasian infants, and Lamborghini automobiles.

"We just want to thank you for all your hard work and for all the support you'll show by your votes in the next few days unless you want that Lamborghini to explode," McCain allegedly said with a big smile.

As McCain drew names from a paper bag, Republican vice-presidental nominee Sarah Palin modeled a suit and drew praise from the crowd for her step-step-pivot, step-step-step-pivot, hand-on-hip-pivot pattern.

"Now there's a woman who knows about strategy, I tell you what!" President Bush commented between wolf-whistles and sips of warm beer.

Palin's presence at the rally was a suprise, in light of recent reports that McCain aides are speaking out against what they call her "diva" behavior. Palin politely refused to answer our questions regarding the allegations.

In related news, exclusive video obtained by DWM Report shows Sarah Palin kicking John McCain in the back of the knee, knocking him to the ground, climbing onto his back, and whispering menacingly, "Burger King. Now. Or God bless America, you'll wish you had, soldier."

Technical difficulties and pending libel lawsuits prevent us from sharing this video with the public. We apologize for any inconvenience.


SHOCKING NEWS ALERT!!! Public Ignores Dire Warning


Today, thousands of people, despite hideous warnings about financial crisis for the past 10 months, flocked to local shopping malls and retail chains. Reports say that millions of dollars worth of "stuff" was purchased including flat screen televisions, video games, furniture, and even clothes.

John McCain, who is obviously too old to ever be President of the United States, was overheard saying, "Metamucil... is the metamucil on sale?"

Future President Barack Obama stated, "It's clear that these people here are evil rich people. They more than likely make more than $250,000 per year, and they are not taxed heavily enough. Also, they apparently can't read or hear, as my media's constant barrage of horrid economic news has not had an effect."

Sarah Palin could not be reached for comment, but she was seen trying on various outfits at Target.


EXCLUSIVE! Interview With Sarah Palin Regarding "Buttocks" Comment

Sarah Palin will hold a press conference later this evening to address an incident wherein she allegedly accused Democratic VP nominee Joe Biden of having received "buttocks injections in his face."

Some conflicting reports of the incident surfaced earlier this week after Palin stopped for a lunch break at the BisonBurger Lunch Box and Gun Range during a surprise visit to the town of Koosharem, Utah.

Events following remain unclear, with the only substantiated incident being Palin standing on a table and declaring, "It's great to be in Real America with Real Americans! even if I'm settlin' for bison over moose." Palin then asked restauranteurs to "wrap up a coupla those burgers to go, fer my kids."

Some media outlets claim that Palin subsequently engaged in trash talk involving her rival Biden's appearance, using statements such as "What a dead-face" and "I wouldn't hang that on my wall if ya paid me off!" Other sources assert that fellow restaurant patrons misheard Palin's statements, which referred to Biden's alleged use of the cosmetic aid Botox.

"You know, I'm really not sure what she said," muses Edith Lowtower, co-owner of the BisonBurger. "It's hard to know what she says, what with that accent of hers. Where's she from, Ireland? I thought I read she was from Ireland.

"I did offer her some eyedrops, though, 'cause she kept blinking her left eye. Turns out she was just winking. A lot. I mean, that lady was winking so fast it blew my hair back. I had to put on a sweater."

In an exclusive interview with The Daily Weekly Monthly Report, Palin denied using the word "buttocks" to describe any aspect of Joe Biden's face. She went on to chuckle, "But really, could ya blame me if I did say it? I mean, have ya seen this guy? Ya just gotta wonder, God, what were ya thinkin' there?"

Spokesmodels for the Obama/Biden campaign had no comment.


IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN: Obama's Plan to Ban Certain Types of Toilet Paper


When elected, Senator Barack [censored] Obama will sign an executive order to ban the sale and use of what his campaign calls "rough" toilet paper. Critics claim that Obama is 1) not elected yet, 2) totally full of dung. But the Obama campaign counters by saying that the election is a mere formality, really.

The Rough Toilet Paper Ban of 2008 would eliminate the production, sale, and distribution of bath tissue with a lower than 400-thread count.

"I've been all around the country in the past 20 months, running this campaign. I've used a lot of restrooms," the Future President said Thursday. "This 2-ply tissue just doesn't cut it." As a seasoned and professional journalist, objective and shrewd, with a litany of credentials, awards, and commendations from my peers, ice water running through my veins when interviewing heads of state and ordinary Americans... I just swooned. I'm not supposed to editorialize in these reports, but let's just be honest: Barack Obama is amazing. I think I would marry him if he were a woman. Or maybe if I were a woman. That's change you can believe in.

In attempt to be fair and balanced like the malevolent Fox News, DWMReport asked the John S (for stupid, we imagine) McCain campaign for comment. They did respond, and it made sense, but it is our responsibility to elect Obama. So we'll leave that out.


Marxist Happy About Capitalism


"In 2005 I sold 500 copies, then 800 in 2006 and 1,300 in 2007. In the first nine months of 2008 I am already at 1,500" said Joern Schuetrumpf, head of Karl Dietz Verlag, which specialises in communist literature. Karl Marx's best seller Capital has nearly tripled in three years, reflecting a global turn from free-wheeling capitalism, or Capitalism Run Wild, as it is known in the professional wrestling circuit.

Barack Obama, who has aspirations to one day become America's Dear Leader, has been frequently seen pulling out his copy of Capital during teleprompter malfunctions at campaign events. Senator John McCain, Obama's hopeless rival in the US Presidential race, has tried relentlessly to tie Obama to Marx.

"It may surprise you that Karl Marx used to go to the Stock Exchange together down in William Ayers' basement," McCain said earlier today. A campaign official quickly noted that the Arizona Senator has not yet had his daily Ginkgo Biloba. "The story is only half accurate... given that Marx has been dead for well over 100 years. But Senator Obama should give an account of this association. If it were real."

Original Story here.


Shamed by You English?

You can speak soon and write like a graduate college if me let you help for a day of 15 minutes.
If you've been ever shamed by you English mistake, we can maybe save you from disappointing years.
Have we met numbers countless men and women being who are held back in their social jobs and lives, without often knowing it, because express themselves they cannot, fully and easily.


If people are not impressed the way by you speak and write - if and your enough honest to admit it yourself - have you taken already the first big success step.


You master English good, without school going back to! Years over thousands we have helped, men and women, their own homes right in.

I can you too help, give will you 15 day minutes, to the Linguage Institute Method. To my answers the questions following explain why need you a good English command and easily how you can something do about ahead getting.

What is so important about my ability to speak and write?
People you judged by, both in business, and social life, the way you speak and write.
What does a "command of good English" mean?
It can mean yourself clearly express, without easy fear of making embarrassed mistakes.

Are there other advantages to be gained by acquiring a command of good English?
Yes! "Tools of thought" are words actually! Learn the more about words and use them how to your ideas, form and express, becomes your thinking better.

Wouldn't I have to go back to school for a command of good English?
Not, anymore, no. Gain you to speak the ability and write college like a graduate in your own home, right each day for 15 minutes only.

How do I know your method works?
Letters in thousands there in my files, from people in all life walks, testimonials, proved to us the Linguage Institue Method. Amazing to achieve results. If below, you order, some of these letters I can sharew you with.


Us e-mail just!!!!! You hearing we forward to looking!!!!


This is a new New Service! Stay tuned for more details!