::ALERT:: Why Is This News?

A man in Nebraska has been charged with several misdemeanor counts of public indecency. It's Nebraska, though, so there really isn't anything else to do.

Tom Larvie, nicknamed "The Butt Bandit," was allegedly caught in the act of.. well.. read for yourself here. As he was handcuffed and loaded into the back of a patrol car by a derisively-chuckling female officer, he was heard insisting, "The glass was cold! There was shrinkage! There was shrinkage!" before sliding to the floor of the car.

And he's from Valentine, Nebraska. Now there's a Valentine for you.

In unrelated news, this lady.

:BREAKING NEWS: Martha Stewart - Soul Or Hole?

A man in Clive, Iowa has filed suit against Kmart and the Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Company seeking unspecified punitive damages, a new ride, and Martha Stewart's soul (we at DWMReport regret to inform him that the latter is nonexistent, so he should probably just tack on another million to his lawsuit).

Patrick Albanese, who works as a magician/musician/hand model, claims that an incident with a defective lawn chair caused part of his finger to be snipped off, thus affecting his livelihood.

Upon learning of the lawsuit, Martha Stewart was overheard muttering, "What a jackass. Hotshot magician, huh? Why don't you magic the finger back onto your hand and and go play some violin for yourself? Sucker. Where are my Chinese silk jacquard placemats?"

The lawsuit was filed in the Polk County Iowa District Court, which explains everything.

Story here.

THIS JUST IN!!!

As the Federal Bailout of major financial institutions progresses (we're told), sales of tin pails have risen dramatically.

LIFE IMPROVING! ObamaNation sweeps.... nation.

The Promised One has arrived, and his name is Obama.

We at DWMReport just thought we would remind you.

NEWS YOU CAN USE: 'It's My Tongue's Fault'

DWMReport has learned that a too-small tongue can, in fact, be a catalyst for disaster in drunk driving situations. Not only can a too-small tongue in a cavernous mouth result in slurred speech, but it could compel its lurchy owner to volunteer to police that s/he'd just consumed "a bunch of beers."

"My mouth is too big" indeed.

Story here.

UPDATE: Teacher Fired for Working in a Bikini on the Side

A Florida woman was recently fired after it was made public that she worked at a side job in a bikini. A former student just thanks God that Al Gore invented the internet so that this story can be relived over and over and over again.

Story here.

ALARMING NEWS: Election over too early, millions returning to polls.

In an astounding move, major news corporations have declared Barack H. Obama the Future Leader of the Free World. This took place around 11:10 pm Tuesday night.

Millions of Americans, many of whom had called in "sick" or had taken vacation days for Wednesday, Nov. 5th, have returned to voting locations to vote again. "I done called out for Wednesday," Buttstick, Mississippi voter Jimmy Bo Bob Dale Avery said. "Me an' my uncle wuz gunna sit up all night drinking, watchin' the election. Now what?" So, Mr. Avery did the logical thing and went back to his polling place to vote again.

"I just thought that maybe if I voted again, it would keep it on later," Mr. Avery added.

Special Report: So Who IS Barack Obama, Anyway?

In just a few short hours, Master Of Everyone's Domain Barack Obama will become the President of the United States (we all know it).

In an effort to clear up misunderstandings and illuminate the sterling character of this young, relatively unknown senator, DWMReport has compiled a list of little-known facts about the Almost President of the United States. We invite you to share this list with friends and family so we might all happily welcome President Obama with the cupcakes and baby chicks he deserves (and eats).

Barack Obama is patriotic. He was born with his right hand fused over his heart and his first word was "Kennedy." Everything he touches on Mondays using his left index finger turns red, white, blue, or some combination thereof (yes, this has been verified by Snopes).

Barack Obama has incisive judgment. His real middle name is "Demagogue." He changed it legally to "Hussein" in 1992, hoping the new choice would better help him in his quest for the Presidency. Plus he thought it sounded "bouncy."

Barack Obama isn't Muslim. He's Hindu. And here's the proof: http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=68156

Barack Obama is fair. He voted for John McCain in an effort to "spread the votes around."

Barack Obama literally loves this great nation with all his heart. He experiences immediate ventricular fibrillation upon sight of the American flag. He travels with a portable defibrillator, which burns "GOD BLESS AMERICA" into the skin on his chest with every use.

Barack Obama doesn't respond to stupid innuendo. He has refused to comment on an alleged recording of Michelle Obama ordering "white tea" at Starbucks.

Barack Obama is not afraid of the dark. When Chuck Norris goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Barack Obama (also verified by Snopes).

Barack Obama has an active mind. He discovered fire, the internet, Leanne Rimes, the Milky Way, and he invented America.

Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you.. Is there any doubt that America is ready for a President such as this?

When to Go to Sleep Tonight

Countless Americans will no doubt spend the evening glued to their TV sets, counting the votes that come in and watching the national news make fools of themselves with awkward predictions.

Sleep is precious, however, so how do you know when to call it a night because the election is more or less "over?" Here are some tips.

1. If Obama wins Ohio or Florida with their 20 and 27 electoral college votes, you might as well go to bed. These are two huge contested states that have been the deciding factor in the last two elections. It would be quite hard for McCain to make these up.

2. If Missouri picks its winner, consider the election mostly over. Although worth only 11 votes, Missouri has picked the winner of every presidential election for 100 years, excluding 1956 when it was taken over by rabid dogs (that may or may not be true.)

3. If McCain wins Pennsylvania, then stay up for a while. It's a big state, and the kids over there haven't been thrilled with some remarks by Obama and John Murtha describing it as a "racist state." Can't say I blame them.

4. The later the polls close, the later you have to stay up. It's just a fact. McCain could lose any of the following states and still be in the running, but it will be close: Virginia (13 EC votes), Georgia (15), North Carolina (15), Colorado (nine) or Nevada (five)

5. If it looks like Obama is winning the big players, go to bed. Just don't be surprised if you wake up in the morning and find out we still have no idea. It's happened before.

Barack Obama victory in sight.

Barack Obama victory in sight. Election ruled mere formality by Supreme Court.

BREAKING NEWS: Disgusting Racists McCain and Palin Keep Using 'Code Words'

Recently, John S(tupid) McCain and Sarah ("Way Hotter In Person") Palin have been using old code words for black on the campaign trail. The most recent is "socialist." Everyone knows that this is code language to call Barak The Awesome Obama "black." This is in addition to old racist standards such as "community organizer," "that one," and "skinny." Outrageous. White Racist John McCain should never win another election, because he's a racist. And he's white. And not Barack Obama.

That is all.

Original story here.