::SPECIAL REPORT:: RAPTURE OCCURS! (almost.)

We at the Daily Weekly Monthly report apologize for the lack of recent news posts. We've been a little caught up in the election and inauguration of our Messiah, Barack H. Obama. We, like most hardcore Obamites, refer to our participation in these historic events as "practicing for the rapture," which explains our singular focus.

Seriously, though.. Isn't his wife just hot? Of course she is. She's married to Barack H. Obama. That makes her so much hotter than Sarah Palin. And holier, too. At least holier-than-thou. Oh wait.. that's us.

Achoo, achoo. Obama bless you.

BREAKING: Bailout Fever!

Churches are currently lining up to get federal 'bailout' money in light of declining tithe income.

::ALERT:: Why Is This News?

A man in Nebraska has been charged with several misdemeanor counts of public indecency. It's Nebraska, though, so there really isn't anything else to do.

Tom Larvie, nicknamed "The Butt Bandit," was allegedly caught in the act of.. well.. read for yourself here. As he was handcuffed and loaded into the back of a patrol car by a derisively-chuckling female officer, he was heard insisting, "The glass was cold! There was shrinkage! There was shrinkage!" before sliding to the floor of the car.

And he's from Valentine, Nebraska. Now there's a Valentine for you.

In unrelated news, this lady.

:BREAKING NEWS: Martha Stewart - Soul Or Hole?

A man in Clive, Iowa has filed suit against Kmart and the Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Company seeking unspecified punitive damages, a new ride, and Martha Stewart's soul (we at DWMReport regret to inform him that the latter is nonexistent, so he should probably just tack on another million to his lawsuit).

Patrick Albanese, who works as a magician/musician/hand model, claims that an incident with a defective lawn chair caused part of his finger to be snipped off, thus affecting his livelihood.

Upon learning of the lawsuit, Martha Stewart was overheard muttering, "What a jackass. Hotshot magician, huh? Why don't you magic the finger back onto your hand and and go play some violin for yourself? Sucker. Where are my Chinese silk jacquard placemats?"

The lawsuit was filed in the Polk County Iowa District Court, which explains everything.

Story here.

THIS JUST IN!!!

As the Federal Bailout of major financial institutions progresses (we're told), sales of tin pails have risen dramatically.

LIFE IMPROVING! ObamaNation sweeps.... nation.

The Promised One has arrived, and his name is Obama.

We at DWMReport just thought we would remind you.

NEWS YOU CAN USE: 'It's My Tongue's Fault'

DWMReport has learned that a too-small tongue can, in fact, be a catalyst for disaster in drunk driving situations. Not only can a too-small tongue in a cavernous mouth result in slurred speech, but it could compel its lurchy owner to volunteer to police that s/he'd just consumed "a bunch of beers."

"My mouth is too big" indeed.

Story here.